The Humor of Linda Loomis

 

         Please enjoy the stylized humor of our classmate, Linda Harris.  Fresh from an almost engagement at Clydes' of Tyson Corner!

            

 

My 40th Reunion Humor Skit  

 Or

It’s now a week later and because you wouldn’t shut up long enough from having a good time . . . !

 

Hi, my name is Linda Harris and I’m an alcoholic.

  Ooops!  Sorry, wrong meeting.    

Let me try that again; my name is Linda Harris and I’m 58 years young and only on my third marriage.  That’s right, my goal is to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s record so I only have six more failed marriages to go.  Let’s hope I don’t live long enough to make all those alimony payments.

 

But for now I understand that the third marriage is the charm and I think I’ve found my prince charming.  He’s such a sweetheart.  He lets me clean the house, scrub the toilets, cook the meals, do the laundry, mow the yard, change the oil, rotate the tires, take out the trash, pay the bills, and bring home the bacon.  I don’t know how I got so lucky to meet such a wonderful man. 

 

We met at the community pool on a hot summer day about 16 years ago.  I was sitting on the side of the pool reading ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ with my wet gray hair plastered to my face, no makeup, wing-tipped sunglasses, a 33” chest, hairy legs and ingrown toenails.  Oh, I’m sorry, you’re trying to eat, aren’t you?

 Anyway, this dear man swam up to me and said, “refreshing isn’t it?”  I looked at him like he was mentally and spatially challenged trying to reconcile my appearance with the word ‘refreshing’.  Then I realized that he was a man and that he was from Mars.

 I’m also at an age where I’ve had hot flashes for about 15 years now.  My hot flashes are so bad that I swear I’m responsible for global warming.  As a matter of fact, Al Gore keeps following me around trying to regulate me.  But he’s wasting his time because I’m still irregular.

 Yes, I’ve tried everything from Maalox to Metamucil, Activia to Rolaids.  But I still wind up spending hours in the bathroom – reading.  I’ve received two masters and a PhD by now, but no one will hire me.  I use to think it was because of the economy and then I thought it was because of age discrimination because of my gray hair.  But when I call my potential employers, they inform me that it has something to do with flatulence.

  Yes, I’ve got ADD, OCD, PMS, MSG, DDT, COPD and I need to get an EKG.     And I still can’t spell.

 Speaking of spelling, I never had the pleasure of having kids.  Some of us decided to be disrespected and ridiculed by other people’s children instead.  But I have lots of nieces and nephews.  My one niece, Jasmine, tells us that she’s bisexual this year.  Who knows what she’ll be next year. She spells her name ‘J a z z m a n’ and struts around sporting several tattoos, body piercings, purple hair and a little safety pin pierced through her matching purple lip.  I didn’t even know that lips could fall off our faces.  Who knew?

 Since I can’t seem to get a job, I’ve learned how to read minds over the past year.  I’m getting pretty good at it too.  Would you like to see?

  Okay, let’s start with Patti Miller -

 Patti’s saying, “I’m having so much fun at this reunion! This is great meeting all my old friends again, reminiscing, eating, drinking, getting to stay up late.” 

 

You don’t get out much, do you Patti?

 Now let’s try Mike Guthrie.

Mike is saying, “Who the h*ll is this woman?  Get her off the stage!”

 Mike didn’t know me in high school either.

 Now let’s try someone we don’t know very well.  Hmmmm let’s see, does everyone know Doug Schulz?

Doug’s thinking, “You’re so sexy.  All I want to do is rip your clothes off and make wild passionate love to you.”

 Well, that’s our Doug.  What’s that?  Oh, you were talking about Steve Wendt?

 Oooookay.  Enough of that. 

Remember all the fun we had in high school?  Gee, that was so long ago.  Yes, the cheerleaders were so cute and athletic.  We had pretty young girls like Ann Crawford, Cindy Taylor, Linda Davis and Sheila Bish.   They were golden back then and now they’re the golden girls.

And remember when we use to sneak off to smoke joints?  (Of course, I didn’t inhale.)   Now we’re taking our joints and rubbing Aspercream on them.   

  I also vaguely remember trying to avoid an effeminate boyfriend back then named Ben.  I can’t live without my Bengay now.

 Another boyfriend back then use to brag to me that he could buy a whole box of condoms for $2.  That always use to confuse me because I didn’t know I had a boyfriend and I knew that condominiums cost more than that.  Then he said that he pays more than $2 today for one Viagra pill.  He still confuses me because I know that high rises are very expensive and I didn’t think he was my boyfriend anymore. 

 

  Anyway, I discovered that the best form of birth control at our age is - nudity.

 And remember all those wonderful prices back then?

Milk use to be $1.15/gallon.  Now I pay more than that for the foam on my grandé vanilla latte.

 And cholesterol-filled eggs use to be about 25 cents/dozen.  Now we spend more than that on just one inch of angioplasty.

 Did you know that when we graduated in 1971, McDonald’s came out with the slogan, “You deserve a break today?”  Well I guess that’s fine for those of us with osteoporosis taking Flosomax.

 I’ve really gotten into exercise as I’ve grown older too.  Yes, I find that I really enjoy walking.  Walking can add minutes to our lives.  Why, by the time we’re 85 years young, we get to spend five more months in a nursing home.

 My father started walking five miles/day when he was 60.  I guess that’s where I get my love for walking.  He’s now 92 and we still have no idea where the h*ll he is.

I joined a health club last year.  Spent about $250 bucks for a membership there.  It’s ridiculous.  I tried for over a year and  haven’t lost a pound.  My husband was reminding me the other day that apparently, I have to go there. 

But I like George Carlin’s idea about life and growing older the best.  He thinks life should be lived backwards and I couldn’t agree with him more.  We should all die first and get that out of the way.  Because when you think about it, if we’re lucky enough to live to be 80-85 years old, then we get to die.  What, is that a bonus?   

So we die first and then we get to live in a nursing home until we learn how to pee on our own.  After we get kicked out of the nursing home, we get to retire and get a gold watch. After we get our gold watch, we get to work for 40 loooong years and raise a family.  After we raise a family, we get to hang out together, do drugs, alcohol, party, maybe have a little experimental sex, and then we get to get ready for high school.  After we get ready for high school, we get to become a kid and play, with no responsibilities.  Wasn’t that a great time of life?  After we become a kid, we then become a little baby and spend the last nine months of our lives just floating around in our mother’s womb. 

 

  Then we get to enter this wonderful life as an orgasm.

  Now that’s a bonus!

 

(By Linda Harris with special thanks to Mrs. Hughes and George Carlin.)